I meant to post this on Monday when it happened…

So I’m chatting on the phone with my mom, listening to how amazing and beautiful and incredible and perfect Hawaii is and what an awesome time they’re having, (green with envy), when I hear a little voice from the stairs say, “Hey, Mommy!”

Uh oh.

It is 1:33 p.m. Charlie should be asleep. Naptime started at 12:30 and usually lasts 2.5 to 3 hours. This means that he has accomplished two things today: climbing out of his crib and opening his bedroom door.

Sigh.

I’m so excited for him – he’s reached a big milestone! Soon he’ll be in a toddler bed! But I also feel exhausted thinking about how he’ll be exploring his newfound freedom and how we all might lose some sleep.

I can barely keep myself from laughing because of how cute he is, standing on the stairs and trying to figure out how this situation is going to unfold. My mom is DYING laughing over the phone and giving my dad details. So now she’s in paradise AND laughing at me. Hmph.

Before I do anything else, I must get a video of this! We rush upstairs and I capture him climbing out of bed for the second time.

I let Charlie come downstairs and watch TV for a little while because I can tell that he’s pretty excited and won’t go to sleep. Plus it gives me a little bit of time to think about how I’m going to handle getting him into bed: How am I going to handle this using Positive Discipline, and How can I get him to take a nap that I so desperately need he needs?

I don’t know what to do so I choose to wing it. Even if I have my mind set on how I will get him in bed and STAY in bed, I don’t know if he’ll go along with it. And I need this naptime!!! We watch TV for about half an hour, and then I ask him if he would rather go take a nap in my bed or his bed. I know he’s going to pick my bed, which might help me eventually get him into his bed after he doesn’t settle down. (Setting my child up for failure…definitely a Positive Discipline technique, right?)

As always, I’m right. (Right, honey?) He jumps on the bed nonstop while I tell him a couple of times that he needs to lie down and rest. After he gets up and starts jumping a third time, I inform him that it’s time to go to his bed for a nap because he isn’t resting on my bed. He is more than happy to cooperate and responds:

Charlie: Climb back out of bed!
Me: No, bud. It’s naptime and we all need to rest right now, so I need for you to stay in bed. You don’t have to go to sleep, but it’s very important that you have some quiet time.
Charlie: ‘Kay.

Yeah, right!!! I can see the mischief in his eyes before I even turn to leave the room. I walk out, close the door, and stand there. Immediately I hear movement and then a loud “THUMP!” Two seconds later he is opening his door. Surprise!!! He is completely shocked to see me standing there. It takes all of my strength to wipe a huge grin off my face. My child is SO CUTE!!!

Me: Charlie, you need to take a nap. It is time to rest and not time to climb out of bed.
Charlie: ‘Kay.

Yeah, right!!! I park myself outside his door again and wait. Rustle, rustle, THUMP! He’s back at the door and looking even more surprised that I’m there a second time. I say the same thing and put him back in bed. The next time it happens, I say nothing and scoop him up and lay him down. Repeat 8 or 9 times. The final time, he is not happy but he stays put. Not even 3 minutes later he is fast asleep. Woohoo!

Since then he has stayed in his bed. We’re taking bets on how long that lasts.

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I haven’t posted in a while, and I haven’t written anything on Positive Discipline in a LONG while. I haven’t had the mental stamina to write lately with all the holiday festivities!

And this is no exception. But I would like to share an article by Dr. Jane Nelson, titled “Positive Discipline and Pampering: More on Kind and Firm and the Same Time.”

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Charlie is entering into a new phase of toddlerhood that is a lot more challenging. He’s been SO easy to work with for so long that I’ve gotten spoiled! So it’s miraculous timing that Dr. Jane Nelson will be hosting an online chat this month AND will be in Atlanta next month for an evening lecture and an all-day workshop!

If you haven’t heard me mention her before, she is one of the foremost experts on Positive Discipline and has written several books on the subject. Oh, and has an online community. Or Ning? I’m not sure what the right lingo is there.

I will be attending all three. As John said, “As long as it’s under $1,000, you are absolutely going!” This coming from someone who tells me “No” to getting mani/pedi’s or other nonessentials. But I digress.

I cannot be more excited!!! Dr. Jane Nelson is one of my heroes and I hope very much to get to meet her in person. Woohoo!

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At this year’s British Open, Tom Watson almost won, which would have made him the oldest winner of the championship. I don’t know anything about Tom Watson other than that, and I don’t really pay attention to the golfing world. But he said something that I really admired:

“I put myself in a position to win but I did not get it done.”

Wow. He admitted to his errors and accepted responsibility. I don’t know if my initial reaction would have been as good. He could have blamed the wind, his caddy, his age – but he DIDN’T. How many Tom Watsons do you have in your life?

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The October edition of the Non-Punitive Discipline Blog Carnival is up over at Reepicheep’s Coracle. I’m so excited that two of my posts are included!

Go check it out!

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Another member of one of the Positive Discipline (PD) communities to which I belong posted this:

I was thinking . . . The other side of mutual respect is “mutual responsibility.” Whereas in mutual respect, kindness shows respect for the other person and firmness shows self-respect, in mutual responsibility it’s reversed: kindness is being responsible for your own baggage (for lack of a better term I can use here) and firmness is holding the other person responsible for theirs. I hope this helps someone out there understand this Adlerian principle better; it definitely deepened my understanding. I like it because it’s kind and firm at the same time to both parties. Thoughts?

This speaks volumes to me. It hit me so deeply because it has recently occurred to me that although I am using Positive Discipline with my son, I need to do the same with every person in my life. That includes using Positive Discipline techniques on myself. I have challenges with my mental health, and I have a tendency to allow my relationships with others to become unbalanced.

Often, I don’t recognize my own feelings at the time that something is happening. I work so hard to teach my son to do it, but I need to be able to set a good example through my own interactions and behavior. If I don’t stand up for myself, how can I expect Charlie to? If I react so emotionally or at times irrationally, it is doing the exact opposite of what I’m trying to teach him every day.

Dr. Jane Nelson’s response to the PD member’s post above says this:

It seems that kindness and firmness can have many facets. In addition to the facet you have pointed out, Deb, I believe that being kind is being respectful to others and to myself. (I have to feel very secure to be kind instead of reacting.) And firmness is being respectful to others and to myself–and as Dreikurs said, “To the needs of the situation.” For example, letting someone take advantage of me is not being respectful to them or to me. However, indicating that I respect both of us and have faith that we can work something out that works for both of us, is indicating mutual respect.

Just coming to the realization that I should apply PD to all areas of my life has reinvigorated my outlook on myself and my relationships. This is especially true for my relationship with John. There are so many ways that I could be communicating differently – and much better – using Positive Discipline. I don’t expect that lots of dramatic changes will happen overnight. It is going to take a lot of practice to reach my goal and apply PD to relationships. I don’t have the best self-esteem outside of being a Mom and how I raise Charlie. But it is very exciting for me to make an effort towards improving my life! For the first time, I KNOW that I can work towards achieving better communication skills. Some relationships will require much more work than others…the way I think of myself will be the most difficult.

I know that I can control only my actions and not anyone else’s. However, I also know that I have been successful at applying Positive Discipline every day with Charlie, and I will be able to use that experience to help me reach my goals.

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I recently discussed a situation involving spanking with several people and a couple of the responses I got were: “I was spanked and there’s nothing wrong with me.” And “Well, maybe you shouldn’t do that when they are little, but once they get older and can understand you more, then it is fine.” I could not disagree more. Maybe some adults spank children because they do not have the knowledge of how to better handle challenging situations. Perhaps it is because the act of spanking is ingrained in them – that being spanked is simply a part of growing up. Whatever their reasons for spanking, I feel it is wrong.

What other purpose than instilling fear does spanking accomplish? It does not teach a child to make their own decisions based on what is right or wrong. It does not help them to trust their own judgment or instinct. Spanking is trying to make a child submit to your will without addressing the problem intellectually. It is bullying that is not acceptable in any other situation than that of an adult to a child.

There are times when I have been tempted to spank Charlie. It can get very frustrating to deal with toddlers! At those times, I pause to take a step back and think about what is going on with ME. Am I stressed, feeling rushed or feeling bad mentally or physically? It is up to me to be the level-headed, reasonable adult when Charlie is displaying age-appropriate behavior.

Charlie’s just now getting to an age (2 years old) where he’s beginning to grasp the “whys” of what we’re talking about when we have to stop him from doing something or correct him. We still use distraction and redirection as much as possible. With the verbal communication we know he understands a lot of it, but often times all he knows at the moment is that mom or dad is telling him he can’t do something he really wants to do. Still, ever since he’s been mobile enough to get himself into trouble, we’ve tried to include an explanation. (For a long time it was more for John and me to get into the Positive Discipline mindset than to expect him to comprehend us.) We keep explanations simple because of his age – but it is still giving him a real reason for our reactions to his actions.

For example, Charlie bit for a while. We would say, “Charlie, we do not bite. Biting hurts.” It was said firmly but gently. At 6 months, he didn’t understand our reasons, but it helped us (and him) get into a habit of clearly stating (and hearing) reasons why it was wrong. Now when he gets upset at us telling him not to do something, he’s beginning to grasp that we aren’t just doing it to stop his fun! There are reasons we correct him – and those reasons are grounded in reality and are not simply arbitrary. As he grows, John and I will work hard to add many Positive Discipline tools to our toolbox. Charlie will comprehend things more fully as his communication skills increase. I know that very soon from now he will want to know more in-depth reasons why he can’t do things. By laying the groundwork now, we will be able to expand upon the reasons like we have always done, without yelling, having to fall back on the tired, old “Because I said so!” And without spanking.

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Belated but GREAT news! The very first edition of the new Non-Punitive Discipline blog carnival is posted at Reepicheep’s Coracle! This is our friend Kelly’s blog, and although there has been very little talk of the subject on our own blog, John and I raise our son using this method.

Like the name of the blog carnival, this once-per-month resource will provide articles written by people that implement discipline without punishment and Positive Discipline. Not only is it a great resource for parents, but also for anyone that is responsible for raising/influencing children in some capacity. There is so much to be learned on this subject!

John and I will be submitting our own posts in the future and look forward to hosting the carnival here.

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This is a great article by Dr. Jane Nelson.

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What is Positive Discipline? Like with Objectivism, it is hard for me to cram everything that it encompasses into one or two sentences, which is why I plan to spend time writing more than one post. Since everyone has their different ideologies and backgrounds, I can only tell you what it means to me and how I use it to raise my child.

Positive Discipline is a method of teaching that guides your children towards becoming independent and rational and instills self-worth. Discipline should be just that—teaching. It is a way to raise your children without punitive consequences, which can create doubt and shame. Although neither of us was raised by parents who knew about or used this form of parenting, it reflects the morals and values in which John and I believe.

A combination of several things gives me guidance. I try to look at everything from Charlie’s point of view. I remember being little and not understanding the reasoning of adults around me, or why I would get in trouble sometimes. It was rarely my intention to just be disagreeable or “bad.” That is why it is so important to do what Rational Jenn defines as Assuming Positive Intent, which is keeping in mind that little ones do not start off doing things to make your job more difficult. (I understand this will come later, but for Charlie, I’m still in the blissfully innocent stage.)

I also read a lot. A couple of resources I like are the Positive Discipline books by Jane Nelson, “What to Expect the Toddler Years” and my periodic email updates from babycenter.com.

Using Positive Discipline takes a ton of energy, patience and brain power. So much so that it has taken me days just to write this much!

So…time for an example.

One of Charlie’s traits that he’s shown since he first started to crawl is that he does not want anything near him that he is not interested in at the moment. When he crawled, he would knock everything out of his path with all his strength. When he started to feed himself, every bite of food he didn’t want was chucked as far as he could throw it. I really hate having spaghetti sauce on my walls, grapes turned to raisins behind my sofa, yogurt on the blinds, etc. But instead of losing my patience, I started saying, “Charlie, hand it to Mommy instead of throwing it.” I would end the meal by saying, “I can see that you are finished eating. Let’s get down.”

Now that he’s older and understands so much more, I still continue to say “Please hand it to Mommy instead of throwing it.” But now I also add, “You want to throw. Would you like to get down and throw your ball, or would you like another grape?” At the end of the meal, I get him out of his high chair and politely but firmly remind him that he has thrown food on the floor and now must help me pick it up. (And he does!)

As he continues to understand more, I will have to up my game as well. But the main points here are that I do not show impatience, I say things firmly yet gently, and I am consistent. (With many mistakes along the way, of course!)

More to come!

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