I recently discussed a situation involving spanking with several people and a couple of the responses I got were: “I was spanked and there’s nothing wrong with me.” And “Well, maybe you shouldn’t do that when they are little, but once they get older and can understand you more, then it is fine.” I could not disagree more. Maybe some adults spank children because they do not have the knowledge of how to better handle challenging situations. Perhaps it is because the act of spanking is ingrained in them – that being spanked is simply a part of growing up. Whatever their reasons for spanking, I feel it is wrong.

What other purpose than instilling fear does spanking accomplish? It does not teach a child to make their own decisions based on what is right or wrong. It does not help them to trust their own judgment or instinct. Spanking is trying to make a child submit to your will without addressing the problem intellectually. It is bullying that is not acceptable in any other situation than that of an adult to a child.

There are times when I have been tempted to spank Charlie. It can get very frustrating to deal with toddlers! At those times, I pause to take a step back and think about what is going on with ME. Am I stressed, feeling rushed or feeling bad mentally or physically? It is up to me to be the level-headed, reasonable adult when Charlie is displaying age-appropriate behavior.

Charlie’s just now getting to an age (2 years old) where he’s beginning to grasp the “whys” of what we’re talking about when we have to stop him from doing something or correct him. We still use distraction and redirection as much as possible. With the verbal communication we know he understands a lot of it, but often times all he knows at the moment is that mom or dad is telling him he can’t do something he really wants to do. Still, ever since he’s been mobile enough to get himself into trouble, we’ve tried to include an explanation. (For a long time it was more for John and me to get into the Positive Discipline mindset than to expect him to comprehend us.) We keep explanations simple because of his age – but it is still giving him a real reason for our reactions to his actions.

For example, Charlie bit for a while. We would say, “Charlie, we do not bite. Biting hurts.” It was said firmly but gently. At 6 months, he didn’t understand our reasons, but it helped us (and him) get into a habit of clearly stating (and hearing) reasons why it was wrong. Now when he gets upset at us telling him not to do something, he’s beginning to grasp that we aren’t just doing it to stop his fun! There are reasons we correct him – and those reasons are grounded in reality and are not simply arbitrary. As he grows, John and I will work hard to add many Positive Discipline tools to our toolbox. Charlie will comprehend things more fully as his communication skills increase. I know that very soon from now he will want to know more in-depth reasons why he can’t do things. By laying the groundwork now, we will be able to expand upon the reasons like we have always done, without yelling, having to fall back on the tired, old “Because I said so!” And without spanking.

Filed under: Positive Discipline