Another member of one of the Positive Discipline (PD) communities to which I belong posted this:
I was thinking . . . The other side of mutual respect is “mutual responsibility.” Whereas in mutual respect, kindness shows respect for the other person and firmness shows self-respect, in mutual responsibility it’s reversed: kindness is being responsible for your own baggage (for lack of a better term I can use here) and firmness is holding the other person responsible for theirs. I hope this helps someone out there understand this Adlerian principle better; it definitely deepened my understanding. I like it because it’s kind and firm at the same time to both parties. Thoughts?
This speaks volumes to me. It hit me so deeply because it has recently occurred to me that although I am using Positive Discipline with my son, I need to do the same with every person in my life. That includes using Positive Discipline techniques on myself. I have challenges with my mental health, and I have a tendency to allow my relationships with others to become unbalanced.
Often, I don’t recognize my own feelings at the time that something is happening. I work so hard to teach my son to do it, but I need to be able to set a good example through my own interactions and behavior. If I don’t stand up for myself, how can I expect Charlie to? If I react so emotionally or at times irrationally, it is doing the exact opposite of what I’m trying to teach him every day.
Dr. Jane Nelson’s response to the PD member’s post above says this:
It seems that kindness and firmness can have many facets. In addition to the facet you have pointed out, Deb, I believe that being kind is being respectful to others and to myself. (I have to feel very secure to be kind instead of reacting.) And firmness is being respectful to others and to myself–and as Dreikurs said, “To the needs of the situation.” For example, letting someone take advantage of me is not being respectful to them or to me. However, indicating that I respect both of us and have faith that we can work something out that works for both of us, is indicating mutual respect.
Just coming to the realization that I should apply PD to all areas of my life has reinvigorated my outlook on myself and my relationships. This is especially true for my relationship with John. There are so many ways that I could be communicating differently – and much better – using Positive Discipline. I don’t expect that lots of dramatic changes will happen overnight. It is going to take a lot of practice to reach my goal and apply PD to relationships. I don’t have the best self-esteem outside of being a Mom and how I raise Charlie. But it is very exciting for me to make an effort towards improving my life! For the first time, I KNOW that I can work towards achieving better communication skills. Some relationships will require much more work than others…the way I think of myself will be the most difficult.
I know that I can control only my actions and not anyone else’s. However, I also know that I have been successful at applying Positive Discipline every day with Charlie, and I will be able to use that experience to help me reach my goals.
