…well I ain’t down with that!

Charlie had a nice long nap, so I had time to write this:

A friend of mine (wave!) has written a very inspiring blog that I want to share and add my own thoughts. Instead of just giving the link, I have pasted it below.

And here is my musing:

At the aforesaid party, a friend of mine, a lovely attractive woman who would be admired by any man with any sense, mentioned that she was upset by her boobs sagging. It got us talking about changing bodies. Here’s my two cents: There is nothing wrong with wanting to look pretty and attractive, but there is something wrong when we don’t accept the reality of being 30ish and 40ish. Our boobs are gonna sag. Our faces are gonna get wrinkles. We’ll probably all gain a few pounds as we age and our metabolisms slow. I think that’s okay. If a man wants to date a woman with maturity and experience, he’s gonna have to accept that those women have wrinkles and boobs that sag a bit. If he wants perfect boobs and flawless skin, he’s gonna have to choose a person who hasn’t lived and loved and learned sex techniques and made progress on career goals and traveled and has lots to teach him. The thing is, I don’t think most of the pressure really comes from men. I’ve spent most of my life on the heavier side of our society’s ideal, and yet, I’ve never hurt for very wonderful men in my life. My boobs that sag a bit have been greeted by men with that stupid (yet lovable) smile that they always get when faced with breasts of any size or age. I think that men (in general) are much kinder to our bodies than we women are ourselves.

Earlier this year, I made the resolution that this year, I was going to stop resolving to be something other than I am and making myself miserable. I’ve kept that resolution by ending my obsessive and dangerous dieting cycle and by practicing talking nice to my body and the bodies of other women. I’m trying to think more about other things about me and the women I know and less about our looks. There is nothing wrong with noticing someone’s looks, but I, and many other women, focus on looks way too much.

So, my final word on this is: I am not a mannequin, not a teenager, not a Barbie doll. I am real 30 year old woman who has had a baby. I can’t be bothered about stretch marks, sagging, and my first wrinkle. I have way too much living to do for that.

What an inspiration! John and I are currently working very hard to lose weight because we want to be healthier for Charlie. That statement means two things: 1. we want to be healthy and thrive while we raise Charlie and future Kid, and 2. we want to teach Charlie to be healthy and make good decisions. Last but not least, I’ve felt horrible about myself appearance-wise and want to do something about it. I have spent my whole life with a very poor self-image and have worked very hard over the past few years to change it. Not only do I have negative thoughts about myself all the time, I have also allowed certain people in my life to get into my head and add to it.

I spent most of my 20’s overweight with three or four of those years extremely overweight. It all started with some health issues and lack of exercise, and when the weight started going up, the two problems fed off each other. I finally realized after many failed diets that weight loss surgery (WLS) was my only choice if I wanted to have children…and clearly it was the best decision! It was also one of the top three most difficult journeys of my life. Life after WLS turned out to be much more difficult than life on normal diet on a normal stomach. (HUGE pet peeve: WLS is the “easy” way out…there is NOTHING easy about it.)

After giving birth, I walked out of the hospital -skinny again!!! – only 7 pounds heavier than before I got pregnant. (Thanks to morning sickness every day of the pregnancy.) But since then I’ve gained more weight – again largely due to some health issues that just might be getting under control.
It’s been very interesting for me in the past year to observe my own feelings about my weight. When I’m home and around friends and acquaintances, I am not as self-conscious. I feel mostly comfortable in my own skin. But when I am alone or in my hometown, I hate my appearance. I’ll save the rest of what I could write in this paragraph for a journal or a few therapy sessions. )

I am also completely comfortable and have no judgment for anyone around me that has any extra weight. Battling weight issues is no different from any other demon that we humans battle, it’s just more obvious than most of them. Being able to accept myself the same as I accept everyone else is definitely something I spend a lot of time on in therapy. And just because I might lose my excess weight on my new healthy eating/lifestyle change does not mean that I’ll instantly love myself. While I enjoyed being thin after WLS, the negative self-image did not go away. (And you’re thinking…well, duh…otherwise you wouldn’t be writing all of this.)

I almost left this out, but it is just as important to me as my own self-image – I want Charlie to be confident and assertive and know and love himself. I can’t truly teach him that until I can do it for myself.

I’m going to read a book or two to help me change my mind. I’m also going to keep Kelly’s post from above nearby to remind me of my mind-changing goals. Oh, and keep going to therapy. Maybe one day I’ll be able to impart my own wisdom on self-love and acceptance and become rich and famous for my NYT best-selling book!

Filed under: Family